A Day in the Life of Malik Ishtar
by Seth Connelly
Summary: Whoever knew swearing one's life to avenging a father's death could make life so complicated? Let us join our blondie villain on his quest for justice as he adjusts to Domino City life and other random stuff. Chapter eight is up!
1. Default Chapter

A Day in the Life of Malik Ishtar  
  
Chapter One: The Day Begins  
  
Author's notes: There are some mild spoilers in here, for those of you who don't know much about Battle City. ^^; I won't give away major duel outcomes or anything, and the general plot of Malik's "mission" is more or less going to be twisted for my own purposes. Unless you guys don't care, I'll twist it less and go along more with the original thing. Whichever. o.o His past, however, is all true and will be the only thing that's actually spoiled. So, other than that.. enjoy! X.x  
  
"Malik-sama." Rishido's deep voice echoed throughout Malik's room, waking him up.  
  
"What?" he mumbled, rolling over in his bed to squint at Rishido through drooping eyelids.  
  
"It's five till noon, sir, and I thought you would like to get up now."  
  
Malik sat up, squinting even more at the light coming from the door into his dark room. "Yeah, sure," he said with a sleepy yawn. He swung his legs over the edge and leaned forward, his elbows resting on his thighs.  
  
"Your coffee will be ready in ten minutes," Rishido informed him, then bowed and stepped out of the doorway, pulling the door closed.  
  
He put a hand to his forehead, running his fingers through his un- Egyptian-like blonde hair. Today's agenda was going to be a little out of the norm, since his yacht was due to reach the shores of Domino City within the hour. It had been quite some time since he and his followers had seen land, and their cabin fever would finally be abated. But even this joyous occasion was to be ruined by the thought of having a run-in with Malik's sister, Isis Ishtar, who had arrived less than a week before to start her Ancient Egypt exhibit at the local museum. This was explained in her latest letter to him, the twelve page essays she sent about every two weeks to "check up" on her little Otouto, and to give him a thorough and detailed description of her whereabouts. How she continued to get the letters to his yacht would remain a mystery, but honestly, he didn't care. Most of the time after spending an hour pouring over a letter, he would pay a randomly selected crew member to compose one under his name. At any rate, to see her would mean certain doom for his plans. Stupid sisters. they just don't understand a little brother's passion for revenge!  
  
But first, it was time to get dressed and eat. He hauled himself to his feet and slumped over to his closet, randomly grabbing a pair of black jeans and a white, hooded tank top. He put them on without another thought, then went to his dresser to gather up his jewelry. Four gold bands around his neck, four around each of his wrists, and one on each of his arms just below the shoulder. He walked to the door, stopped, took two steps back and looked in his full-length mirror. Was it just him, or were his jeans at least two sizes too small..? And his shirt! It was so short it didn't even reach his waist. And-what was this? Exposed mid-drift?! He blinked in surprise, studied himself in the mirror for a moment, then shrugged it off. He worked hard for those abs, so he didn't see anything wrong with showing them off.  
  
  
  
Malik entered the tiny kitchen and took a seat on the stool at the counter. He watched the mini-TV that was hooked up next to the refrigerator, which was turned on to some American station called "CSPAN" (his yacht, of course, had a huge satellite dish hooked up toward the rear of the deck. But even five hundred-plus channels could not keep the crew sufficiently entertained for long, which was why their cabin fever was so severe). He couldn't understand a word they were saying, but Rishido knew quite a bit of English and was probably absorbing the information as he prepared breakfast. It didn't matter to Malik that he couldn't understand the broadcast-it looked like some boring news report, anyway. "And so, the culprits of the fire that was started at a praying mantis farm in Minnesota were caught approximately twenty-four hours ago in a trailer park on the border of Tennessee." the woman droned on in the intricate tongue of English.  
  
"Your Froot Loops, Malik-sama," Rishido presented him with a bowl of colorful cereal.  
  
"Huh?" Malik stared blankly at the sugar-coated substances floating in milk.  
  
Rishido was just about as clueless. "Some of the men went ahead to the docks to search for some food. They found this cereal on an American imports ship."  
  
"Wonderful," his violet orbs rolled in their sockets, complementing his sarcastic tone.  
  
His servant pretended not to notice as he slid a mug of coffee to Malik. "And your latté."  
  
He took a sip, grimaced, and remembered that his coffee had been tasting terrible the whole trip before he lashing out at Rishido for doing such a horrid job. But as he glanced up, he saw that Rishido was mesmerized by the TV. "Rishido?"  
  
"Watch the screen, and tell me what you see," came his reply as he stepped out of the way so Malik could see.  
  
Malik nearly choked on his poor excuse of a latté. Was that live footage of the God Card "tombs" his men had raided..?  
  
"They have no idea who committed the robbery," Rishido translated after a moment. "No need to worry, Malik-sama, they still have no idea that The Gurus exist."  
  
Nodding rather nonchalantly, Malik took the first bite of his so- called cereal. He didn't see what was so "frooty" about them, they tasted like.. well, sugar-coated somethings. However, he found them strangely addictive.  
  
  
  
After the boring affairs that were associated with docking, Malik finally set off into the city. Armed with his Millennium Rod (and a lovingly packed lunch, courtesy of Rishido), he made his way through the not-so-crowded sidewalks around the bay. Noting the run-down warehouses and general desolate milieu of this particular area, he concluded it wasn't a very good part of town.  
  
It seemed like he had walked for an eternity (a grand total of seven blocks) until he finally made contact with some of the natives. The first run down car with its shady occupant leaning against it was halfway across the eighth block of his journey.  
  
"Hey," the man said in a gruff voice as Malik approached. "What's a sweet thing like you doin' in a dump like this, hm?"  
  
Malik stopped in his tracks, surprised by the greeting of a stranger. Endless hours of movie viewing was his method of passing the time during his voyage, and also to learn the ways of the Japanese culture and general behavior of people. Having spent most of his life living in the underground taverns under the Sahara, which is in the middle of nowhere to begin with, he was greatly lacking in standard social skills. He searched his memory and remembered seeing this type of person in one of those cop flicks. immediately, he put up his guard.  
  
"You seem to be the shy and quiet type, hun," the man said with a smirk. Malik quirked a brow and pondered. Yes, he recalled the cops having to arrest a man like this for numerous accounts of drug-dealing. Whatever that meant.  
  
The man's eyes narrowed. "Now I'm getting the impression you're just ignoring me, sweetheart." Those strange nicknames. wait a minute, does that guy think he's a girl?! "Come on, baby, don't give me the cold shoulder," the man pouted pathetically.  
  
"You little-" the man was startled to find that his "catch of the day" had a rather masculine voice, and her all but dainty hands were clamped onto his neck.  
  
"I, er-it's just-" stammered the man, his eyes widening as he choked for another breath. Malik shoved him back against his car and stomped off, furious.  
  
Two pieces of Trident and ten blocks later, Malik found himself pushing and shoving amongst a dense crowd of people. Sweet mother of ham, he had never seen so many people in one place at one time! Was all of Japan really like this? ..And did someone just grab his butt?  
  
"Woo!" came a male voice from behind him. Malik thrust his elbow back and jammed it under the guy's rib cage, then hurried on. "I can't believe she didn't *smack* me!..." the man's fading voice cried. He made a mental note to come up with a new outfit for tomorrow's excursion.  
  
City life was overrated. Though he was happy to be off that crusty old yacht, his journey was turning out to be more dull than Spanish daytime TV. However, these thoughts of criticism were poofed out of existence in a split second after Malik spied the most marvelous piece of machinery to ever be created on this wretched planet. There, in a used car lot across the street, was a motorcycle. Without a second thought, and without concern for his personal safety, Malik dashed into the street, dodging around the cars that were (thankfully) at a stop light. Immediately, he static-clung to the two-wheeled mobile monster.  
  
"I.. I've always wanted one of these!" Malik cried, the most enthusiasm he had ever experienced since. ever. "My life is complete!" he rubbed his tanned cheek to the cool, red chrome and closing his eyes. "Four-stroke single cylinder, two valve overhead camshaft engine! Chain driven trocoidal oil pump lubrication, and electronic capacitor discharge ignition! CVT, continuous variable transmission! Automatic centrifugal clutch, and automatic stepless gear change!" he panted, having said all of that mumbo- jumbo in one breath. "Oh, how I've longed to touch one of these babies." blinking, he stood up straight, slamming his fist into the opposite palm. "I *must* obtain it!"  
  
And so, Malik Ishtar has now become side-tracked. 


	2. Motorcycles and Pissed Off Anzu's and CO...

A Day in the Life of Malik Ishtar  
  
Chapter Two: Motorcycles and Pissed-Off Anzu's and.. COFFEE!  
  
Author's notes: THANK YOU, REVIEWERS! *distributes cookies* Anyway, the used car dealer is, in fact, a relative of our very own Yugi. He's Sugoroku's younger brother, which makes him Yugi's..great..uncle. I dunno where that came from, just kinda' go with me here. O_o And so very sorry for the wait. *bowbow* I've been having long periods of writer's block, then all of a sudden I'd spew out two or three paragraphs, then two days would pass and nothing happens, then I'd write another two paragraphs, and so on. x.x Yeah. Enjoy!  
  
The forgotten disclaimer: I don't own anything. ._. I might've owned Malik's motorcycle at one time, but I dunno..  
  
On to the story!  
  
  
  
  
  
Malik's salivating glands were working overtime as his eyes scanned the lustrous curves of the motorcycle. If he didn't get this bike. he'd.. he'd. BE REALLY UPSET. To say the least.  
  
"Hello there, laddy!" Malik was a tad miffed that someone had interrupted his road-ruling heaven fantasy, but he dismissed the distraction only because whoever it was had distinguished him as a *guy*. He peeled his eyes off the motorcycle and fixated them on the short, middle- aged man standing beside him.  
  
"Um, hi," Malik replied dryly. The little man was less than half his height, with peculiar purple-ish hair that was greying toward the tips. And if people thought Malik's attire was odd, this guy's took the cake. He had on an green and yellow plaid suit with a bright blue tie and brown dress shoes. Malik was starting to appreciate his own sense of style, however out of touch it was.  
  
"Mutou Karama, at your service!" the midget said, holding up his hand. Malik reluctantly shook it.  
  
"Ma-Namu," he stuttered in response. There wasn't any harm in being a little secretive. was there?  
  
"I couldn't help but notice your fascination in our newest motorcycle model," Karama commented as he subtly wiped a small puddle of Malik's drool that had accumulated on the bike's fender. Malik watched him with a lustful glint in his eye, as if he was a savage animal ready to pounce at the creature which threatened his precious treasure.  
  
"How much?" Malik managed to splutter, cutting to the chase. Surely no price was too high for the leader of The Gurus.  
  
"Well." Karama began. ..Because of the author's laziness and all- around not caring nature, the buying and registration and such of the motorcycle will be summed up into one sentence. And there it was. One must be on their toes in order to read a fic such a this, or one will miss the.. "important" parts. Anyhow.  
  
  
  
She folded her arms, her white go-go boots tapping impatiently on the cement. How stupid of Yugi to forget to call her this morning! Suddenly remembering, she dug through her pastel pink purse for her pastel pink cell phone in its pastel pink cell phone case. She unlocked the keypad and checked for any missed calls, thinking that her "Shuffle" ringtone had not been heard from under the assortment of makeup and things also shoved in the purse. But alas, there was nothing.  
  
"'Oh, sure, Anzu'," she mumbled to herself, imitating Yugi. "'I'll call you first thing tomorrow morning so we can meet somewhere for my first duel!' Hmph!"  
  
"Did you hear about Esper Roba?" Anzu heard a voice behind her exclaim.  
  
"Yeah! He got beat bad, didn't he?" another voice answered.  
  
"Uh-huh. By some Jounouchi guy. Roba's whole psychic ploy was total bull!"  
  
Anzu turned to the two duelists, smiling sweetly. "Do either of you know where Jounouchi is right now?"  
  
The two duelists gave her a blank stare. "That duel was over an hour ago," one said finally. "Jounouchi could be anywhere in the city by now."  
  
"What?!" it took all of Anzu's self-control to not unleash her ever- growing PMS-induced rage on the innocent young men. "But-he-UGH!" She threw her hands in the air in defeat, then stormed off.  
  
"..Wait!" she cried aloud, coming to an abrupt stop. "The Game Shop! Jichan must know where Yugi is!" With that, Anzu took off to the crosswalk and waited oblivious to the crowd of people staring at her after her sudden outburst. The "walk" sign flashed on, and she got halfway across the street before she was halted by an oncoming red motorcycle that was racing across the intersecting, weaving rather wobbly between a few unsuspecting cars. Apparently, it wasn't going to stop. The speed machine whizzed in front of her at three times the speed limit.  
  
"You jerk!" Anzu screamed. "Don't you see the red light?! HEY! Pedestrians get the right-of-way, you know!" But its rider, a tanned and blonde .girl?.. merely flipped her the bird and swerved around the corner, gone.  
  
"People these days," Anzu muttered as she walked on, "not only are they rude, but you can't even distinguish their gender at first glance! What is the world coming to?"  
  
  
  
Malik pulled a perfect parallel park, kicked out the stand, and got off his motorcycle. He yanked his keys out of the ignition and pulled off his helmet, shaking out his hair until it was at its normal volume.  
  
"Pretty good for my first ride," he complimented himself, setting the helmet on the leather seat. "If only that damn girl hadn't gotten in my way and scared the crap out of me!" He strolled toward the Kuro Neko Café entrance with a sigh, twirling his keychain on his index finger.  
  
Immediately after his entry, the smell of incense nearly knocked him off his feet. The whole room was filled with the smoke, illuminated rather prettily with blue, purple, and green lights. There was a stage, and on it, a scrawny guy in a completely black outfit and sunglasses had the spotlight. He was reciting, in English, what seemed like a poem to the beat of a bongo drum, something like "One fish, two fish. Red fish, blue fish." This crazy setup, however, was not to discourage Malik from getting a *real* cappuccino.  
  
"Groovy!" cried the crowd of black-clad people, erupting in chorus of snaps as the man finished his poem. Malik rolled his eyes and made his way to the counter in the rear of the restaurant where he purchased a jumbo white chocolate mocha latté topped with whipped creamed and sprinkles. He then found a nice, dark corner with a small table to sit down at.  
  
Time check. Clicking the little glow button on his watch, he found it to be a quarter after three o'clock. He had promised Rishido he'd return by seven to find lodging on land, so that gave him four hours to concentrate on his mission.  
  
But.. *how*? This city was filled with potential Pharaohs, it could take months for him to find the right person. His Millennium Rod could sense when other Items, such as the Millennium Puzzle, were near, but what were the chances of him coming within range of an Item in a city of this size? Suddenly his plan didn't seem so wonderful. And suddenly the incense and dark milieu of the room was making him sleepy. Going to bed at four in the morning and waking up at noon was not a good idea.  
  
And so, our hero drifts off into a nightmare-induced sleep as the next mentally unstable poet reads his poem: "Look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn. There's a giant doing cartwheels, a statue wearing high heels. Tambourines and elephants are playing in the band.  
  
Won't you take a ride on the flying spoon?  
  
Doo, doo-doo.  
  
Wondrous apparition provided by magician.  
  
Bother me tomorrow, Today, I'll buy no sorrows. Doo, doo, doo-doo. And out my backdoor."  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Darr. I really need to find some inspiration for this story because I want to finish it! *shakes a fist* Oh, and one question: Do you guys want me to follow the real Battle City plot, or should I do my own thing? IM me, email me, review, whatever. x.x Sankyuu! 


	3. Tension's Building

A Day in the Life of Malik Ishtar  
  
Chapter Three: Tension is Building.  
  
Author's notes: Yeah, okay, so I screwed up the Battle City plot already. but I'll fix it! Now I actually remember what I watched two months ago. @@ Er, vaguely. And sorry about the extreme lack of updates. x.x School has not been fun lately. And my guinea pig died. ;-; But anyhow. I've got three wee little comments to make: I've seen a bajillion different names for Rishido, like Rasheed, and stuff, but it *sounds* to me like it's Rishido. So that's what I'll call him, just to clarify. o.o Also, I tried uploading this as an HTML file and my italics aren't working. So we're stuck with the dumb asterisks. Lastly, I just realized wherever I put three periods where the sentence is trailing off (you know what I'm talking about? x.x), it comes up as just one period. If you see a period and the next "sentence" doesn't begin with a capital letter, then that's why. Okie? Okie! And more sorries about the shortness of the chapter, I just wanted to post again to let you all know I haven't given up on this fic yet! Hope ya' like it. At least a little.  
  
Anzu stomped down the sidewalk in a daze. Her whole day was ruined. Instead of being with Yugi, she was stuck with his pervert of a grandpa who was, above all, the most boring person she ever met. He had found her sitting on the park bench resting (again, since her shoe selection for today's unexpected trek across the city was grueling on her platformed feet), and the two of them set off together to find Yugi. For some reason, he tended to disappear after they found him at the end of his duel with Pandora. oh well.  
  
They came to a bridge that crossed over a street, when suddenly they heard shouts from below them.  
  
"Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you! That.. thing! Running! Get back here with my deck!" There was a pause in which Anzu and Sugoroku peered over the overpass wall, and when the voice spoke again their suspicions were confirmed. "AND GIVE ME BACK MY WALLET!" Oh, yes. That was definitely Jounouchi chasing a. trained monkey?  
  
"Jounouchi!" Anzu called to him. "Need a hand?"  
  
"Do you have to ask?! Come on, get down here!" he yelled back at her as he passed under. Anzu and Sugoroku located a nearby stairwell and raced down to the street where they ran in pursuit of their big-haired friend and pip-squeak thief.  
  
The three of them entered a park where the monkey set the stolen Duel Disk down in the middle of an open area, then ran off and disappeared.  
  
"Damn," Jounouchi murmured, out of breath. "The little flea bag still has my wallet.." he knelt down to pick up his Duel Disk when his wallet went sailing over his head and hit Sugoroku.  
  
"Curses!" came an annoying, shrill voice from several yards away. "I missed!"  
  
Jounouchi slid his high tech dueling machine onto his arm and caught his wallet as Anzu tossed it to him. He growled low, frantically searching for the owner of the voice. "Only one guy comes to mind when I hear a voice as annoying as *that*."  
  
"Insector Haga," Anzu sighed in exasperation.  
  
"Correct!" Haga cried, walking into view. "And only I could have devised a plan as clever as this."  
  
"What plan?" demanded Jounouchi, irritated beyond belief.  
  
"Leading you here for your final duel in Battle City! I will defeat you in this place of my fondest childhood memories." and Haga tried to begin his tale of pain and sadness at the hands of his preschool classmates who found some twisted joy in watching him suffer. His story, fortunately, was curtailed by Jounouchi's hotheadedness.  
  
"You couldn't have just challenged me to a duel like a normal human being?!"  
  
"Noooooo," replied Haga sweetly, changing his voice at least three pitches before shutting up.  
  
Jounouchi threw his arms into the air in frustration. "Fine, I'll duel you. But only because my wallet seems to have lost half of its original weight, and I'll expect my money back whether or not I win this duel. Or else you'll find your inhumanly large head bruised, beaten, and buried deep into the depths of the nearest dumpster. Got it, twerp?"  
  
Due to the unbelievably dull duel to follow, not to mention Haga's insanely annoying voice and attitude, we are now to have a well-timed scene switch.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
"There is no such thing as infinity. Nothing can go on forever. Malik, I have defeated your God. Surrender it to me."  
  
Malik awoke with a jolt and found himself face down on a dirty table, nearly drowning in his own drool.  
  
"Oh, you're awake!" said a cheerful voice sitting across from him. Quickly he sat up and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "You've been sleeping for nearly two hours, mumbling about the almighty Osiris. and infinite power. and some spikey-haired freak with a big-breasted Magician Girl! Hehe, doesn't caffeine have the funniest influence on your dreams?"  
  
Dazed, Malik found himself face to face with a bright-eyed, black- haired girl. "What time is it?" he asked sedatively.  
  
"6:14 and fifteen seconds! Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen."  
  
"That will do. I need to get going," he stood, but the girl's hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. Yowch, her black polished claw of a thumbnail hurt like a b--  
  
"Aw, please stay and talk to me!" she pleaded, pouting cutely and batting her eyes prettily.  
  
Her cute looks weren't enough to counter her obnoxious personality. "Leave me alone," Malik snapped, jerking his arm away, "I have business to attend to, I don't have time to play with stupid little girls."  
  
"Ooohhh!" the girl wailed and started flailing her arms. Malik gladly took the opportunity to escape the café and hop on his motorcycle. He had forty-five minutes to get back to the docks and check in with Rishido-speed limit restrictions would just have to be violated.  
  
It was 7:05 by the time Malik got back to the yacht. He walked into the main chamber (which was half kitchen, half living room) to find Rishido asleep on the couch with another one of his American channels on, the Discovery Channel, which was showing some documentary on the migration of the tufted titmice of North America. How very enlightening. He picked up the remote and turned it off, then went to the kitchen side of the room. On the microwave was a post-it note, reading: "The food in here is reserved for Malik-sama. EAT IT AND DIE. ~Rishido" Inside, there were two lukewarm corn dogs. He couldn't help but crack a smile-like smirk at Rishido's thoughtfulness. He was famished after hardly eating at all, and was glad to have somewhat of a meal already prepared for him.  
  
"I see you have returned, Malik-sama. How did it go today?" Rishido had woken up and was now standing at the counter behind Malik.  
  
"Uhm." Malik turned to Rishido, his mouth full of corn dogginess, "Ih wa o'hei," he managed to reply.  
  
"Did you find the Pharaoh?"  
  
Swallowing, Malik shook his head. "Not yet. Any news of his friends?"  
  
"A few of our people have been following them all afternoon. They await their orders to attack."  
  
"I'm going to bed," Malik yawned. "Get me up early tomorrow, we'll make our move first thing in the morning."  
  
Rishido bowed. "Yes, Malik-sama."  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Okay, I'm still trying to get my Battle City timeline.. er, fixed? I'm pretty sure the day ended sometime between Jouno's duel with Roba and Weevil, 'cuz Anzu changes outfits between then. So. oh, ew, I've totally screwed this up. @.o I think I can get this fixed in the next chapter. Whew, all right. Let's see if I can get it written within a month this time. X.x; 


	4. When Two Yaoi Boys in denial Meet

A Day in the Life of Malik Ishtar  
  
Chapter Four: When Two Yaoi Boys (in denial) Meet  
  
Author's notes: All right, I think I can get the Battle City plot back on track in this chapter. Yee- haw. And, yes, High Crystal Guardian, Malik was on his way to Battle City during the duel where Yami wins Osiris. x.x I watched that episode on my friend's DVD a few months ago, so I don't quite remember everything. *should have watched them over again* Oh, from here on out there's going to be some yaoi (whether you like Yami Baku/Malik or not I don't care; I love it!). Trust me, nothing graphic is going to come up, but there will be tons of hintage. Yay, hintage! And I've decided to shorten the blips of what the "good guys" are doing (i.e. Jouno, Anzu, and so on), but I'm keeping them in just so we all know what episode we're on or when I get stuck and can't think of anything else for Malik to do. o_o I promise I'll get everything right this time!  
  
One last thing! *had to end the paragraph because it was getting too long* I'm too used to typing "Rare Hunters" instead of "Gurus". So, yeah. Oo; Just letting you all know. I'll shut up now. Do any of you people even read author's notes? I usually don't. Yet here I am blabbing away. ... Shutting up now.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
There was always something Malik hated about getting up before sunrise. Maybe it had something to do with spending the first decade of his life underground, and the fact that the sun hadn't risen by the time he got up didn't meet his expectations of the outside world. But at any rate, he dragged himself (on his own, Rishido didn't wake him up—aren't we proud?) out of bed and did his morning routine before heading out on the prowl.  
  
Ah, yes. The nightmare from the café made another appearance in his mind during his latest slumber. Yugi Mutou, the holder of the Millennium Puzzle was Malik's target. Absolutely no doubt about that. Oooo, that spikey-haired freak was going to pay dearly for taking—no, **stealing** his precious Osiris. Not that he wasn't pleased with Ra's devastating power, but it was the principle of the matter. The stupid Pharaoh had a God Card, and this couldn't be tolerated.  
  
But now wasn't the time to brood. Breakfast needed to be found..  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
After a quick stop at Daankin Dounatto (some weird Eastern place that sells fattening pastries and absolutely horrid coffee), Malik was on his way to.. well.. nowhere in particular, really. He had two Hunters monitoring the Pharaoh's friends (one was currently dueling), and another four were ready to duel Pharaoh-boy and his brainy, obnoxious gorilla of a sidekick Kaiba. Malik's blood boiled just thinking about that snobby bastard. How _dare_ him receive Obelisk from Neesan! He probably has no idea how to use its power properly, that little weiner..  
  
Suddenly, Malik had to slam on the brakes as some crazy hooligan jumped in front of him. It was some freaky-looking, silver-haired boy who now stood before him, and he seemed to have a sinister aura surrounding him.  
  
"Who the hell are you?" Malik snapped, irritated at this new delay.  
  
"You have something I want," the stranger replied shadily.  
  
"In case my unfeminine voice hasn't thrown you off, I'm a GUY," Malik scowled.  
  
Quirking a brow, the stranger said, "Er, no Something along more.. practical lines."  
  
"Well, stop beating around the bush and tell me. I'm running a tight schedule and I don't have time for this."  
  
"You see," he continued, oblivious to Malik's annoyed tone, "I am somewhat of a collecter."  
  
Malik stared blankly as the stranger talked, noting how the boy's jeans appeared to be two, maybe three sizes too small. He wasn't the only one.  
  
"... and my recent journeys have led me to--HEY. Are you listening? And just what are you staring at?"  
  
"Nothing," Malik replied quickly. "How about this," he proposed, taking out the Millennium Rod, "You shut up and let me pass, or I stab your eyes out."  
  
"Not so fast, said the boy with a smirk, "I, too, have an Item of my own." He unbuttoned his shirt--which made Malik just a tad nervous--to reveal the Millennium Ring. *insert dramatic orchestrated music here*  
  
Malik looked around frantically. "Did you hear that?"  
  
"... my goal to--Hear what?"  
  
"The music!"  
  
"What music?"  
  
"It came from over there!"  
  
"There?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"I don't see anything."  
  
"You can't see music."  
  
"Then why'd you point?"  
  
"I have no idea. How did you get the Millennium Ring, anyway?"  
  
"Twelve years ago--"  
  
"I've lost interest already."  
  
"Oh. Well, what I came here to ask you is if you would give me the Rod."  
  
"No, I need it."  
  
"Do you?"  
  
"Yes. It is a key element in my plan to cause--"  
  
"Now I've lost interest. Just make this easy and give it to me."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes. I'll just have to take it from you."  
  
"Ha! I'd like to see you try."  
  
"Then I will." The boy begin his charge, tripped after two paces, and did a graceful face plant on the wet concrete.  
  
Malik looked down at his fallen opponent. "Uh..."  
  
"Your powers are strong," said the boy as he got up, brushing himself off. "You are a worthy adversary (or however it's spelled, will check later)."  
  
"Actually, your shoelaces--"  
  
"I am known as Bakura. With my planning expertise, and your.. silky, model-like blonde hair, I think we can open the best tofu delivery shop Japan has ever seen!"  
  
"Or I can give you the Rod when I'm done with it."  
  
"That might take some time, and I don't suggest you try my patience.."  
  
"Then help me and it will be completed sooner."  
  
"Hm.. makes sense. It's a deal."  
  
Malik was surprised that this Bakura person had agreed to the deal without even knowing what his mission was. "All right."  
  
"And your mission is to.. what?"  
  
"Stab the Pharaoh. A lot."  
  
"Sounds, uhm, interesting. Well, you're in luck, because my host just happens to be friends with the Pharaoh's host."  
  
"That gives me an idea. . ."  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Jounouchi groaned as another tidal wave crashed down on him. Luckily it was only a hologram, otherwise his daily three bottles of hair gel would go to waste. "Are you done yet?!"  
  
Ryouta's hearty laugh finally subsided. "I'll set a card face down and end my turn."  
  
Jounouchi examined his current hand. As much as he loved his Swordsman of the Landstar, there was no way it could defeat Ryouta's Legendary Fisherman.  
  
"If you're not going to make a move, then I'm going to tell a story!" cried Ryouta jovially, not because he had the upper edge in this duel, but because he was infused with Mountain Dew and was seldom tired, sad or any other similar moods  
  
. "Go ahead." Maybe a story would distract Ryouta's mind enough to cause a mistake, giving Jounouchi the chance to win..  
  
"Weeeell, once upon a time in—"  
  
"—a galaxy far—"  
  
"—SHUT UP!" Ryouta shot a glare at Jounouchi, silencing him. He continued, "in a fishing boat, there lived a cute, little boy," he struck a pose, "and his father!"  
  
Half of he audience had already fallen asleep. Anzu scowled as Honda (he had been dragged out of the hospital for allegedly groping Shizuka) used her shoulder as a pillow—and not to mention his own personal drool sponge. Sugoroku had done something similar on her lap.  
  
Jounouchi sat down, but got his tight little rear end wet with real water that had washed onto his platform. He used his Duel Disk as a rather uncomfortable cushion. The Legendary Fisherman leaped out of the water behind him, crashing another tidal wave hologram down on the poor, unsuspecting blonde dork. "Make him stop!" he whined, tired of having the bejeebus scared out of him.  
  
"Father, stop it," Ryouta said with a mock austere tone. The Fisherman sighed and relaxed on his killer whale steed, ceasing his mischief to listen. "Now, the boy and his father were very happy people until one day a storm came in and—"  
  
"I know this story!" Jounouchi whined (again).  
  
"They don't!" Ryouta retorted, pointing at the audience.  
  
"Who cares? They're all sleeping, anyway!"  
  
"Those two aren't," said Ryouta, nodding toward the two Rare Hunters. "They seem to like you, Jounouchi, they haven't taken their eyes off of you this whole time!"  
  
"Shut up and keeping telling your story," Jounouchi grumbled, disgusted.  
  
_Meanwhile, atop a rather large, glass skyscraper. . ._  
  
"I thought I told you to not misunderstand, Yugi. **I'm not helping you because I like you**."  
  
"I heard you loud and clear, Kaiba."  
  
"Then stop clinging to my leg!"  
  
"But—the scary monster—"  
  
"You're such a pansy, my God. . ." The rest of this dialogue will be curtailed to preserve the innocent eyes of many of the readers. *cough*  
  
_Meanwhile (again), at some random location in town. . ._  
  
"Hold still!"  
  
"You're going to frickin' stab me, there's no way I'm going to 'hold still'!"  
  
"Do you want the Rod or not?!"  
  
"Ugh, why did I ever agree to this..?"  
  
"You're such a pansy. . ."  
  
"What did you say?! GIVE ME THAT THING!"  
  
o__x THE END! Of this chapter, anyway. I need to try and keep Malik and Bakura in character, grr.. I'll try harder in the next chapter! *punches a fist into the air* 


	5. Subways are Hazardous to Your Health

A Day in the Life of Malik Ishtar  
  
Chapter Five: Subways are Hazardous to Your Health  
  
Disclaimer: Um, I still don't own anything! So don't go telling people I do, because I don't! And if you go telling people I own things, then I will be angry, because I own NOTHING! NOTHIIIING!   
  
Ahem.   
  
Pointless author's notes: Thank you, **Night Spirit**, for clearing up the Ghouls thing! ^^ *is enlightened* Uhm, yeah, not much to say about this chapter except that I haven't had it edited by anyone, since it's almost 1:00 AM on a Saturday morning and no one's around to edit the final thing. Since I'm an impatient little brat, I'm just going to post this and hope it's not horrid! o_o   
  
"All right. The wound's wrapped. Now all we need to do is find.. what are their names, again?" Malik scratched his head.   
  
"Jounouchi," replied Bakura. His voice was steady; Malik wondered at how the boy could function normally, since the wound in his upper arm was enough to make the average person faint. "Anzu and Yugi's grandfather were with him when I saw him last."   
  
Malik consulted his watch. "Jouno-boy's duel must be over now. Let me check in with my Hunters, and I need to contact Rishido, too."   
  
"Hurry up."   
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Rishido was standing idlely (whoa, Microsoft Word says that isn't a word.. but you all know what I mean, don't you?) in the relatively dark, but somewhat bright due to the noon sunlight, so perhaps the darkness and the light would cancel each other out to create-HE WAS STANDING IN AN ALLEYWAY THAT WAS SEMI-DARK. I hate it when I frustrate myself. . .   
  
Rishido glared up at the sky, angry at the narrator for disturbing the tranquility. "Please refrain from your ever-so frequent violent outbursts. And do consider some anger management."   
  
SHUT UP. I control yooou. 'Rishido ran out into the middle of the road and was promptly hit by a semi!'   
  
The two Hunters who had accompanied Rishido blinked at the stupidity displayed by their leader. They, of course, did not have the gift of hearing the almighty narrator. 'Stop. Rewind. Rishido was standing in a semi-dark alleyway. Actually, make that a quasi-dark alleyway. Yay for quasi!'   
  
"Can we do stuff now?" asked one of the Hunters.   
  
"Not until we get a signal from Malik-sama," Rishido answered irritably.   
  
"Now?"   
  
"No."   
  
"Now?"   
  
"NO."   
  
". . . How about now?"   
  
"N-"  
  
_Rishido. Make your move._  
  
"Yes, now."   
  
"Yippie!" chorused the Hunters as they scampered off to the building's entrance.   
  
Rishido followed them, rubbing his temples. He would never get used to the side effects of mind control.   
  
In due course they made it to the roof floor. Rishido quietly stalked across the open space, the Hunters following in suit. Their target was sitting with his back to them.   
  
"Where are they? Ugh, the stupid satellite must be malfunctioning.. again. If Niisama was back in the control room, this wouldn't be happening!" The target was none other than Mokuba Kaiba, the pint-sized Battle City Commissioner with hedgehog hair and an attitude that would make most duelists cower. Those who didn't cower were dealt with by the elder Kaiba brother, and they regretted it.   
  
"The satellite will be working again once we're done with you," Rishido said in a low voice, now directly behind Mokuba.   
  
"I doubt it," Mokuba replied dubiously. "It takes. . . wait, what?!" He spun around and found himself face to face (or face to knee, rather) with three creepy, tall guys. By then it was too late to escape.   
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"They're a good ten miles away," Malik reported. "Let's get on my motorcycle and-"  
  
"Motorcycle? There is no possible way you're getting me to ride that thing."   
  
"What?!"   
  
"Don't say another word. We're taking the subway."   
  
Malik glared. Bakura glared back with twice the ferocity.   
  
"Park your motorcycle somewhere and meet me at the subway station on Laurel Cherry Street." (Haha, thanks to my friend Jake/Poopsie for the name! *is lazy as fook*)  
  
"Right, whatever," said Malik grudgingly. It seemed to him that Bakura was running the show, when it wasn't even his mission to run. Maybe the whole "ally deal" wasn't going to be so great after all. . .   
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"They're not here! Kaiba, I thought you said they were here! At this freaky-deeky aquarium place! But I can plainly see that my friends are very much NOT here!"   
  
"Apparently not," agreed Kaiba with a roll of his eyes. Yugi was exceptionally annoying today. "It's not surprising that they're gone, actually. You must remember that the last time we checked the satellite was well over an hour ago."   
  
"Oh no!" cried Yugi in despair. "Whatever shall we do?"   
  
"Use a payphone," said Kaiba dully, his eyes rolling for a second time.   
  
"Good idea! Except I can't remember Anzu's cell phone number. . . Oh, Kaiba, beating your head against a concrete wall will leave a bump!"   
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Scoot over."   
  
"No, I've got no where to scoot."   
  
"Then MAKE room!" snapped Malik, shoving Bakura.   
  
"Now _I_ have no room!" shouted Bakura, shoving Malik into the heavyset woman who sat beside him.   
  
"GACK!" Malik spluttered, being consumed by her. . . uh. . . voluptuous curves.   
  
"Oh, what's this?" the woman picked up Malik by the back of his shirt collar and held him up in front of her face.   
  
"Oro?!" Malik stared, wide-eyed. Bakura rolled his eyes and held up a sign reading: "Blatant Kenshin rip off!"   
  
"How adorable!" the woman cried with glee, grabbing Malik into a squishy embrace.   
  
Bakura snickered. Once Malik began flailing his arms and legs in vain, he couldn't contain his mirth and he rolled with laughter. He tossed his pointless sign over his shoulder, right into the face of a scary burly guy sitting next to him.   
  
"Hey," growled the man. "Watch it."   
  
Bakura whirled on the man, fixing a cold glare on him.   
  
"Don't give me that look, you little punk."   
  
"No, don't _you_ ever speak to me like that again," Bakura retorted.   
  
The man laughed nervously, surprised to hear a scrawny kid address him like he was some big shot. Insulted by being laughed at, Bakura made a lunge at his newly acquainted foe, but the man stood up and got off the subway. Bakura's lunge landed him in the lap of a rather attractive young woman.   
  
"Eep!" she squeaked, and shoved him onto the floor. She gave him a kick to the ribs for good measure.   
  
"Piece of-" his last word was cut off by a second kick. He held his chest and made a crawling retreat toward his seat, only to be tossed into the legs another passenger as the subway made a turn. As a reflex, the passenger kicked him away.   
  
Bakura shakily climbed onto the seat, dizzy and disgruntled. Malik was still trapped by his bovine of a captor, whose death grip was slowly suffocating him.   
  
The subway then came to its next stop. Bakura grabbed Malik's nearest limb-his ankle-and yanked him free. Before any protest could be made, he dragged his half-conscious companion out of the accursed transportation unit.   
  
"Never again.." he muttered, dropping Malik's leg.   
  
In a moment Malik was on his feet. He stumbled to the left, then to the right, and fell on Bakura. "Go on without me," he muttered pathetically.   
  
"Suck it up," Bakura snapped, pushing Malik's limp body off and placing his hands on his shoulders to keep him from toppling backwards. "Come on, we don't have time for this."   
  
"Right, right," Malik shook his head and got focused.   
  
The two emerged from the subway station (gah, every time I type subway I think of a sandwich! x__x) and made their way toward the Jounouchi-tachi with the help of Malik's correspondence with his stalker Hunters.   
  
"They should be rounding that street corner within the next minute or so," Malik said as they came to a halt.   
  
Bakura removed the pastel green shirt he had been wearing over his dorky blue striped shirt (Oo;) in order to have his wound in clear view. "I'm letting Ryou take it from here, I'm no good at the 'pathetic weakling' routine."   
  
Malik nodded, and Bakura suddenly collapsed onto his knees. "W-What..? What happened? Gah, my arm..!"   
  
"Be quiet," Malik whispered as he knelt down and put Ryou's arm around his shoulders for support. He helped Ryou to his feet and looked up just in time to see Jounouchi.. well, marching around the corner.   
  
"So I got this really spiffy card and-BAKURA!" Jounouchi cried, rushing over to his wounded friend. Anzu and Sugoroku followed in suit.   
  
"What happened?" Anzu asked worriedly.   
  
"I don't know, I just found him like this." Malik said with a frown, looking at Bakura with concern. Oh yes, just like he rehearsed. "Do you know him?"   
  
"Yeah, Bakura's our friend from school. Hey, gramps, would you mind taking him to the hospital?"   
  
"Yes, I will." Sugoroku signaled for a taxi, then carefully helped Bakura into it and they drove away. And that sounded like a really dumb sentence, but it doesn't matter because.. because it doesn't, so stop reading this and go on to the next paragraph.   
  
"Thank you so much for helping Bakura-kun!" said Anzu happily.   
  
"It was no problem," Malik forced a crooked smile.   
  
"Oh, you're a duelist, too?" asked Jounouchi, noting the Duel Disk on Malik's arm. Woo, this is like that 20 questions game!   
  
"I am?" Malik blinked and looked down at his arm, and sure enough, there was a Duel Disk. Where the fook did that come from? He did some back-tracking in his head, then remembered that he stole it from a four year old girl earlier that morning. He didn't see anything wrong with that, the girl obviously wouldn't put the thing to good use with her pansy deck. "Oh, yes! Uhm, I'm not very good.. Not as good as you, anyway! You're Jounouchi Katsuya, aren't you?"   
  
"Yeah! How'd you know?"   
  
"How couldn't I know? You're the runner up of the Duelist Kingdom Tournament!" Malik was mentally kicking himself repeatedly for the unnecessary flattery that was thundering out of his mouth.   
  
Jounouchi went all starry-eyed. "Finally some appreciation! What's your name?" They only have 12 questions left, by the way.   
  
"My name's Namu. It's a pleasure to meet you, Jounouchi," Malik held out his hand and Jounouchi shook it. How adorable. *eye roll* Let's see, time for some excitement..   
  
"RAAAAAPE!" Anzu screeched. Jounouchi turned around to see her in the grasp of a black, cloaked figure.   
  
"What the-HEY! Get your hands off of her!" Jounouchi charged at the cloaked man, but one of his companions stepped out from behind him and delivered a devastating blow to Jounouchi's face.   
  
Malik just stood there with a twisted smirk on his face, but then he remembered his role as the wussy, kind kid who likes helping people and would never dream of running over a bunny that's crossing the street and. . .ew. "Oh, Jounouchi, are you okay?!" 11 more. . .   
  
"Yeah, I'm fine, I think, but-" he was hauled up by one of the Hunters and punched again, knocking him out..? Yeah, knocking him out! Hahaha! *hasn't watched this episode in a while and doesn't quite remember what happened*  
  
A third Hunter came up behind Malik and grabbed him, catching him off guard since this part hadn't been planned. "What are you doing?!" 10 more to go. . .   
  
Anzu's cell phone started ringing. Her captor dug it out of her icky pink purse and answered it.   
  
"Anzu! Anzu, Anzu, Anzu! Hi! This is Yugi, I'm at the freaky-deeky aquarium, and you're.. not! So where are you? Tell meeee!" We're down to 9 questions now. Annoyed, the Hunter threw the cell phone down on the concrete, breaking it.. obviously.   
  
And with that, the three were dragged away by the big bad Hunters. And everyone died, the end! Er, I mean, just "the end". No one has died. Yet.   
o_o; And now I'll be off to fast-forward through YGO disc 8 so I can get the rest of this Battle City plot right. . . 


	6. A Fight, A Threat, and a Kaiba in Need o...

A Day in the Life of Malik Ishtar  
  
Chapter Six: A Fight, A Threat, and a Kaiba in Need of Pain Killers  
  
**Disclaimer:** I wish owned Yu-Gi-Oh so I could dub it better. . . But Malik is still Marick, so that is not to be. I grieve!  
  
**Author's notes, take one:** Wow. It's been a while, huh? I've had a busy summer. . . And now marching band has taken over my life, but hey. I've got an hour and a half before our first competition so I might as well see if I can work on this thing a bit! And just a special (though belated) thanks to all of you reviewers, helping me out with little plot things and grammar issues and whatnot. Being the lazy bum I am, I really do appreciate it. ; Also being the lazy bum that I am, I'm not going to go back and change what I messed up.. so just work with me here, people! Now, for one little thing for this chapter: I think I'm going to start giving the Hunters numbers or something, because it's really getting annoying to see "a Hunter", "the Hunter", and so on. And with that, I give you chapter six!  
  
**The author notes again:** So, how long has this document been gathering dust on my computer? Quite a while. Almost a year, right? Goodness gracious. So much has happened since I last worked on this. My writing's gone through so many changes in just this school year alone, and my interests have gone haywire and Yu-Gi-Oh is hardly a part of my daily stream of thoughts. However, this fic is something I occasionally come back to and read, not to mention laugh at. This was some good stuff. So, for a third time, I'm going to try and finish this.  
  
**The last note, seriously:** I have no idea what the plot is anymore. Haha. I'm doing this from memory because I no longer have the Yu-Gi-Oh DVDs. Wish me luck?

* * *

Malik was being walked back to the dock with his hands bound behind his back and a Hunter (number Twenty-two, let's say) behind him. He felt like a prisoner of his own subordinates, even though it was just an act to convince the fully conscious Anzu that her new friend, Namu, wasn't a diabolical evil mastermind bent on killing her Pharaoh friend and then proceeding to take over the world. Although, now that Malik thought of it, his prisoner role was extraneous, since his precise orders to the Hunters for this particular job was to knock /i of the victims out. Of course, this error was due to the Hunters' miniscule brain capacity and their lack of following orders directly. It had nothing to do with Malik's inability to properly control his mind slaves. Nothing at all!  
  
They were then lead to a large abandoned warehouse. Anzu was tossed into a room that was filled with empty boxes that were stacked up on the far wall (there was a window on that wall, too, but no one really seemed to care). Jounouchi was sat and tied to a chair in one of the larger rooms.  
  
"You can untie me now," Malik said to number Twenty-three, nettled.  
  
Twenty-three stared down at him with blank, glazy eyes for a moment before responding to the order.  
  
"Thank you, my blundering oaf of a slave," Malik mocked sarcastically, landing a swift backhand on the side of Twenty-three's face. He freed the poor man from the Rod's control. "From now on I trust you will listen carefully to my orders and not botch things up again. Right?" he asked with a glare, raising the Rod's glinting shaft. Twenty-three's eyes widened at its sharp tip and he backed away shakily, nodding his head. Satisfied, Malik overpowered the man's mind again and Twenty-three's eyes regained their blank, distant look.  
  
"Keep an eye on them," Malik told Twenty-two and three as he turned to leave. It was starting to get late and he was hungry, having completely forgotten about lunch. He decided to grab something to eat at the yacht, then go back to the warehouse to wait for the Pharaoh's duel to finish.  
  
"This is taking too long," Malik muttered as he leaned back in his chair, folding his arms behind his head. "Why can't they get through with their stupid duel already?" He closed his eyes and focused on one of his dueling Hunters in order to watch. Now we're down to 7 questions.  
  
In front of him (or the Hunter, rather) was the Pharaoh with a stupid, aghast look on his face as he looked to his left. The Hunter's gaze drifted across the dueling field and fixed on Kaiba, who was in mid-cackle.  
  
"And now," Kaiba shouted after completing his cackle, "feel the true power and wrath of the God Card Obelisk!"  
  
"That was corny, Kaiba," the Pharaoh commented.  
  
"Shut up, Yugi, I don't see you winning the duel here. Besides, you start running out of attack lines after a while."  
  
"You'd better think of some new ones, then, we still have over 77 episodes to go until the end."  
  
"Fine, whatever. Can I finish this now?" Kaiba glared sidelong at the Pharaoh. He completed question 6.  
  
"Why, of course!"  
  
All the while, Obelisk was frozen in a rather awkward position. He was about to take a step toward the unfortunate Hunter with his fist pulled back and ready to attack. However, he was balancing on one foot, and being a big, blue, armor-covered God standing on a tiny rooftop, he was unable to keep his balance. With an erratic windmill of his arms, he toppled over the side of the building.  
  
"Look what you did, Yugi!" Kaiba roared, infuriated.  
  
"That wasn't my fault!"  
  
"Yes it was!"  
  
"No it wasn't!"  
  
"Yes it was!"  
  
"No it wasn't!"  
  
Obelisk's hand reappeared and clutched the side of the building, and with one giant heave he managed to pull himself back onto the rooftop. He went through with his attack, although Kaiba did not reiterate the command.  
  
"Boring," Malik grumbled. He opened his eyes and glared across the room at nothing really in particular, though whatever it was his eyes were focusing on was going to get a hole in it from the glare's intensity. The only reason that duel was "boring" was because Malik knew the outcome - just like when he tried to watch movies and he figured out "who done it" and eliminated the need to watch the story unfold. It was obvious his bumbling idiots of minions were going to lose the duel, and Malik didn't feel like watching.  
  
No, Malik had better things to do. Like taunt the blonde boy with weird hair, then make his presence known to the Pharaoh and Kaiba at the end of their duel. Right. He had this villain thing down to a fine science.  
  
So Malik trekked from the yacht to the warehouse and brushed passed his bouncer-like Hunter guards without so much as a "hello". Which, really, made sense - why greet drooling zombie men who couldn't tell their master from a ripe watermelon unless told otherwise? Up a dark hallway which vaguely wreaked with the smell of damp cardboard, there was a room shrouded in darkness, save the bright light turned on and hovering over the slumped figure of Jounouchi. Hearing footsteps, Jounouchi raised his head and saw Malik approach.  
  
"N-Namu?" Jounouchi managed to croak. His head was throbbing from. . .what was it? He couldn't remember. Maybe he got hit by a semi-truck - that sounded like a reasonable injury to make his head hurt that much. "Look," he continued, not waiting for a response, "I've almost gotten my hands out of these armrest cuff things. Someone didn't close them all the way. And - " Jounouchi stopped short and stared at Malik, who had come over to his chair and forcefully closed the cuffs over his wrists.  
  
Jounouchi squinted, half glaring and half trying to see straight, wondering if this newcomer wasn't Namu after all. "Who are you?" he pried cautiously, unknowingly setting the question countdown to 5.  
  
"I've already told you my name," Malik replied smoothly, taking a seat on one of the armrests. "Why don't you tell me your name?" There were suddenly only 4 questions to go as Malik's violet orbs stared dangerously down at Jounouchi, giving the unvoiced warning that he wasn't afraid to hurt the questioned if answers weren't provided.  
  
"Jounouchi Katsuya," Jounouchi murmured sullenly, a defiant glare aimed at his lap. This wasn't looking good.  
  
_Back on the glass tower of doom and blinding shininess...  
_  
"Yay, Kaiba! We did it! Let's dance!" Yugi was overjoyed that the two cheating Hunters had been defeated.  
  
"Let's not and say we didn't," Kaiba grumbled, picking up his metal briefcase. Where was Mokuba when he needed him? Carrying that stupid briefcase got tiring after a while.  
  
As if on cue, the sound of a helicopter neared at a surprisingly fast rate, and Yuugi and Kaiba looked up to see it hovering above them. Kaiba sucked in a breath when he saw who was at the open door.  
  
"Lookie, Kaiba!" yelled the Hunter. He held up the hedgehog-looking boy, grinning psychotically. "Isn't he so cute? We're going to have a tea party soon!"  
  
"Niisama!" Mokuba yelled. Tea parties were a fate worst than death.  
  
"Mokuba!" Kaiba yelled in return, his eyes wide and full with genuine concern. Ooo, emotions!  
  
"Niisama!"  
  
"Mokuba!"  
  
"Niisama!"  
  
"Mokuba!"  
  
"COW PIES!"  
  
Everyone stopped and stared at Yugi. He shrugged. "I like yelling, too."  
  
_"How touching,"_ came Malik's disembodied voice. The Hunter closed the helicopter door and flew away, leaving a stunned Kaiba to fall to his knees in a brief moment of overwhelming emotion. "_A reunion between brothers. If it was any more cute, I might have to throw up."_ Malik, back at the warehouse, gave Jounouchi a creepy grin as if he'd be the one to get puked on. _"Oh. Wait. What was that? Mokuba's gone? How sad." _Malik started laughing, because he found it rather entertaining. _"And how could I forget? Pharaoh, your friends are here with me... Charming kids, really, but I can only stand them for so long. You'd better come get them before I do away with them myself. I'm at the docks near an old, abandoned warehouse, and I'm sure Kaiba knows the way."_  
  
"You know about old, abandoned warehouses?" Yugi asked Kaiba, his mile a minute train of thought completely forgetting that his friends were in danger. Nor did he realize that the fragile balance of question countdown was dwindling to 3.  
  
Kaiba had composed himself and gotten to his feet again, well enough to fix another sharp glare at the annoying Pharaoh. "Business deals, you moron. That's all," he stated shortly. "Now, come on."

* * *

Wow. I haven't written chapters in so long that I'm not sure what a good length is! Hope this is all right. Now for the annoying end-of-chapter questions...  
  
Will Yugi and Kaiba save their beloved friends and family? Will Malik realize he forgot to make a sandwich? And what of Bakura, Honda, and other unmentioned characters? Will they ever make another appearance? WHAT WILL HAPPEN AT THE END OF THE QUESTION COUNTDOWN?! Oh, so many questions and so little answers!  
  
The next chapter will feature the ever-scrumptious Bakura, so stay tuned. ;) 


	7. A Replacement

A Day in the Life of Malik Ishtar  
  
Chapter Seven: A Replacement – Oh, and One of those "Important" Duels  
  
**Author's note:** ... Hahaha. Hahaha. HAHAHA. I've had ideas for this particular chapter for so long that I'm surprised I remember them. As for little details about who says/does what, I have no clue. Honestly. So you'll just have to bear with me as I make things up. As for the question countdown...you'll have to wait one more chapter. And I know I said this was supposed to be about Bakura, but I forgot that this duel had to happen before his special episode. ;o; But he's coming up, don't you worry!

PS - I hope I got all of the italics and formatting. :D

* * *

"Kaiba, I'm tired!" Yugi whined between panting. It was hard work sprinting as fast as he could, especially when he had to keep up with Kaiba who was much taller and faster. Nature was cruel.  
  
"I swear," Kaiba growled, "if you say one more word that even sounds like complaining, I will personally make sure you won't have a throat to complain through in the most painful way possible!"  
  
Yugi shut up.  
  
Lucky for them, the docks were close to their last dueling location, and several blocks later, they arrived. At first, the scene was deserted, until the bright-haired head of Jounouchi was spotted walking toward them, accompanied by no one. "Jounouchi!" Yugi called out happily. There was no response.  
  
_"Aww."_ It was Malik's disembodied voice once again. _"Another touching reunion. Oh. Wait again. Jounouchi doesn't recognize you, Pharaoh!"_ Malik was grinning so wide that his face hurt. This was so priceless. _"But there's no time to mourn the loss, Pharaoh. You'll need to follow your gel-haired friend to the square, wooden dock...yes, that way. Good."_  
  
Kaiba glared up at the sky, since there was no one physically there to glare at. "Where's Mokuba?" he demanded. Two questions remained.  
  
No answer came. Malik blinked and stared down at the floor in frantic thought. They got the girl out of her room...but Mokuba wasn't present when they opened the door. Hunter 89 ½ put the boy in the same room, didn't he?  
  
_Initialize flashback sequence, with harp sounds and wiggly motions on the screen..._  
  
"Oof! ... Oh, hi, Anzu!"  
  
"Hi, Mokuba."  
  
"What'cha doin'?" (A/N: Flashback questions don't count.)  
  
"Oh, you know. Just admiring my nails and wondering why I thought following the boys around all day instead of going to the spa was a good way to spend my Saturday afternoon. What are you doing?"  
  
"I was mercilessly kidnapped and thrown into a room with you. Come to mention it, landing on my head sort of hurt."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"You sound uninterested. Hey! Look! Those boxes stack up to an open window."  
  
"For once, your A.D.D. might have just come in handy. Start climbing."  
  
"Yay, I'm almost at the window! Too bad that robe guy is behind you..."  
  
"What?! Ack! Get off of me!"  
  
"Sorry, Anzu, I'll go get help or something! Then again, I'm hungry... Ooo, that's an ice cream shop!"  
  
"MOKUBA!"  
  
_Back to the present..._  
  
Malik blinked. Well, it didn't matter. Not supplying Kaiba with Mokuba's whereabouts would surely drive the poor boy even more nutters, and there was nothing wrong with that.  
  
_"Come to think of it, Kaiba, your precious little brother might have gotten lost somewhere along the way. We don't pay much attention to extra baggage, you now." _Nice save. Malik mentally gave himself a pat on the back.  
  
Kaiba was about two point five seconds away from letting out an infuriated roar and launching a nuclear warhead at some unsuspecting Third World country. But like his counselor said, he just had to count to ten, take a deep breath, and throw his metal briefcase at the nearest person. That robe-clad Hunter would do just fine.  
  
_"KAIBA!"_ Malik shouted, as though scolding a child. _"You just floored one of my Hunters! You know, I wasn't going to do this, but if you look to your left, Anzu is over there strapped to a chair. I'm going to have an obscenely large box placed over her so if you try to make a move, she'll get squished. I think you'd agree that she's too well-formed to get squished."_ Malik chuckled.  
  
Kaiba thought Anzu was annoying as much as the next person, but facing the annoyingly weak wrath of Yugi, Jounouchi (if he ever came to his senses), and Honda was out of the question. And, deep down, he had to agree with Malik: Anzu was hot, and therefore couldn't get squished. Deep down, some antibodies crowded around that notion and consumed it into ATP which was then used to create Kaiba's next thought.  
  
_Damn it, I'm hungry._  
  
Turning his attention back to the duelers, Malik continued. This time, however, he directed his speech through Jounouchi, whose sunken, baggy eyes looked even more blank and dead when possessed by the Rod. _"As you can see,"_ Malik began, startling Yugi with his voice coming out of Jounouchi's body, _"this square dock is surrounding the water, which inevitably is very deep and probably has a giant squid living in its depths. Have you ever eaten calamari? It tastes like underpants."_ Malik paused, remembering he was hungry for about the umpteenth time in the past twenty minutes. There was, coincidentally, 1 question to go.  
  
Does anyone else see a theme going on here? With the hungry thing? I wonder if it's me...  
  
Malik glared at the ceiling, perturbed at the narrator's rambling. He said nothing, so as to not confuse Yugi. Explaining that he was talking to a disembodied voice would be a little awkward. Not that Yugi wasn't used to disembodied voices, but...ANYWAY.  
  
Jounouchi knelt down and clamped a metal shackle to his ankle, nodding to Yugi to do the same. Seeing no other choice, he complied, and made a sort of pouty, defiant face at Jounouchi, waiting for instructions. _"In about a minute and a half, a very large and obviously heavy anchor will be delivered and attached to the shackles' chains. A timer will be set for an hour, and if the duel isn't over yet, then the anchor will drop and both of you will – "_  
  
What the – who are you and what are you doing in my basement?  
  
Get off of me! You're those crazy nutjobs from 4Kids Entertainment, aren't you? Well I'm not going down without a fight! ... What's that? A tape of the entire second season of Pokemon? I SURRENDER. TAKE ME, BUT BURN THAT TAPE UNTIL THERE IS NO DESCERNABLE EVIDENCE OF THAT HORRID PLASTIC AND TAPE..like..STUFF!  
  
Malik: Wait a minute. If the narrator's gone, there's no one telling the story.  
  
Yugi: Did anyone else here someone yelling?  
  
Kaiba: I miss my Prozac. So much.  
  
Jounouchi: ... -drools-  
  
Yugi: Hey, look, the sky's turning all blue and happy like it's a sunshiny day in the middle of June!  
  
Anzu: And there's a rainbow! Oh, it's so pretty! There are fluffy clouds too! -has suddenly forgotten she's strapped to a chair and a lever-pull away from d– suddenly the crane holding a heavy, metal box is replaced with a giant teddy bear, ready to tickle Anzu into discomfort with a large feather-  
  
Kaiba: This is ridiculous. Fiddley dee, I want my gosh darned agent on the phone before I bizzoink all of your dingfloops to CANDYLAND. -stops- Th-Those words...so vile... I NEED LISTERINE, STAT.  
  
Yugi: Golly jeepers, the countdown on that charming alarm clock has already started! If we don't finish the duel before it goes off, we might...we might...we might have to listen to it ring until someone figures out how to turn it off!  
  
-dramatic camera close up on the "shocked faces" of Yugi and Jounouchi—Yugi is picking his nose and Jounouchi is still drooling-  
  
Kaiba: Hello, Burke? Yeah. This is Seto. No, shut up. We're having issues right now and you need to fix them or I'm cutting your pay in half. Scratch that. I'm firing you if you don't make everything perfect again.  
  
-microphone feedback deafens and silences all the characters, then tapping and "Check, check" echoes-  
  
Hello. My name is Brian. I would like to announce on behalf of 4Kids Entertainment that there will be a budget cut, and the story will now continue in a different but not necessarily bad manner.  
  
Malik: Rishido. I think we're going to have a few problems.  
  
Yugi: bad? did he say – oh no, where are the capitals!?  
  
kaiba: the budget must have cut grammar  
  
malik: well thats not so bad i mean as long as its still intelligabull  
  
kaiba; huh??/  
  
malik: i said readiable  
  
yugi: i 333 plyaing duel monstesr  
  
jouno..noshc..joey: 1 crd f/d end turn  
  
yugi: i dun wanna duel u nemore  
  
malik: ya i dun like were this is goin i cant kill ne1 if were tlakin like dis  
  
kaiba: asl??  
  
yugi: onos the alarm clock!!2!1!!!#!!3!!!!!1!!!1  
  
anzu: roflmao stop ticklin me!!!11 roffl roflrofllolz  
  
OKAY. STOP EVERYTHING. I found a LOOP HOLE, and I'm going to end this madness! 4Kids might have licensed Yu-Gi-Oh, but this piece of writing belongs to me. Therefore, you can't edit what I put in here, and I can say "death" and "crap" and "fool-ass lamer" all I freakin' want! I can even say "canned peas in a shopping cart" or "your mother was a hamster" and—  
  
Everyone: WE GET THE POINT.  
  
As I was saying, 4Kids, get out of my house and give me back the keyboard before I take legal action. My mommy's an attorney, you know. Yes, that's right. Move along. Good.  
  
Ahem. In the chaos that ensued, Yugi and Jounouchi dueled in a heart-wrenching hour. In vain, Yugi tried to revive Jounouchi's suppressed memory to return his beloved friend to his natural state. Meanwhile, through a chain of comical and random events, Honda, Shizuka, Ryuuji Otogi, and Mai made the scene.  
  
Honda: We were all piled on a tricycle there for a few minutes, and I got worried.  
  
Otogi: Wanna watch me flex my muscles?  
  
Shizuka: What muscles?  
  
Mai: Oops, there goes my corset.  
  
Meanwhile, once negotiations were settled with Burke, Kaiba used his cell phone to order a pizza via helicopter, which coincidentally knocked over the crane threatening Anzu's life. However, the duel was still raging on, and it resulted in the painful defeat of Yugi. Because of Yugi's life point depletion, Jounouchi was able to access the key to his shackles. Instead of using it, he attempting to swing over to Yugi and unlock his before the anchor dropped, but –  
  
"Hold on, Yugi!" In mid-swing, the chain suddenly broke and Jounouchi went tumbling into the water. Yugi fell in with him, passed out from the excruciating pain of the duel.  
  
Everyone stood and stared (except for Shizuka, whose eyes were still bandaged). "Why's everyone so quiet?" Shizuka asked timidly.  
  
"Yugi and Jounouchi fell into the ocean," Honda replied blandly.  
  
"Oh, no!" Shizuka cried in despair. "Someone needs to save them!" She quickly unwrapped the bandages from her eyes and went running toward the docks, slowly coming to a halt and blinking. Kaiba coughed.  
  
Jounouchi was sitting in ankle-deep water with Yugi at his side, both looking confused. Jounouchi was no longer possessed.  
  
"Jounouchi," Yugi managed after he regained some of his sense. "I...I love..." he drew a deep breath. "I love y -...your cotton socks."


	8. Hold Your Breath

A Day in the Life of Malik Ishtar (more like "A Day in the Life of Everyone But the Author", sheesh!)

Chapter Eight: Hold Your Breath

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Seriously. Don't tell people that I do because I don't.

**Author's note:** This is one of my favorite episodes. I'm such a Bakura fangirl it isn't funny. Anyway, I don't remember the fine details of it, but I know how it starts and how it ends and that's all that matters because the stuff in the middle tends to be boring anyway!

**Stuff that has been changed by me due to poor memory:** So those cards required for the finals, the ones that show the location of Kaiba's Duel Blimp (of doom?), I have no idea what they're called. I vaguely remember something like Puzzle Cards? Well, whatever, I've messed up so much already that I can change the name and number of those things. :p Puzzle Cards, you need eight of them, suck it up. I'm breaking the consistency of using Japanese names instead of dub names with Bones. I can't remember his Japanese name, I can't remember the names of his two sidekicks at all, and I want to get this posted ASAP. That rules out looking them up. Color me lazy, but deal.

* * *

Enter Ryou's dream sequence…

"I'm flying!" Ryou thought excitedly. And, in happy dreamland, he was. First he went through some doors and was in a completely blue room full of toys – _his_ toys, actually. There was his model airplane, his G.I. Joe action figures, an Easy Bake Oven…er, not that that was his or anything. It was his sister's. Not that he had one, but that was completely beside the point. And before Ryou could sit and become lost in the memories of his early childhood, he was through more doors and into… Outer space?

There was an astronaut and a space shuttle and then a giant bluish green void with, well, a blond person of undetermined gender standing in it. Who wasn't wearing a space suit and wasn't exploding, either. Hmmm.

"Who are you?" Ryou asked, bemused. His mind was really coming up with some weird things…maybe it was all the drugs getting put into his body, being in a hospital and all.

The person folded, er, its arms and narrowed its curiously purple eyes. In its hand was a Millennium Item, of which Ryou couldn't place a name to for the life of him. "None of your business," the now positively male stranger snapped. "Get your better half before I have to go find him. And you wouldn't want that to happen, trust me." The blond boy's patience seemed to be at its end, and Ryou shrank back in acquiescence. He didn't seem to be a creation of his dream, not if he wanted the other half.

Malik tapped his foot and watched Ryou's slouched figure shake and suddenly rise, a little taller now, whether with confidence or physical height. Sometimes it was hard to tell. "You called?" Bakura asked rather irritably. "I was napping, thank you very much."

"Bad Malik. Bad." Malik hit his hand. "How dare me wake you up from your little nappy-poo."

Bakura glared. "My sides are bursting."

"Look. Pharaoh boy and his sissypantsed friend dueled each other and neither of them died," Malik explained, fairly irked.

"I told you Yugi was powerful."

"No you didn't. You told me he was a lame, pansy ass with bad hair and the height of a little school girl."

"But he's powerful."

"Shut up." Malik rolled his eyes in exasperation. "I'm not giving you the Rod just for stabbing you with it. You'll need to help out more than that."

Bakura heaved a sigh and nodded slowly. "Fine. But only because torturing the innocent gets boring after a while."

"See, this whole Battle City tournament…we need to be in it. We can get the God Cards if we play our cards right, if you'll excuse the pun."

"I won't excuse the pun. Reword that or I'm leaving."

Malik stared rather indignantly at his loathsome partner. "If we kick certain people's fragile little bums, we can force God Cards out of them. Rather, _I_ can force God Cards out of them, you're just in it for the Rod."

Still a little perturbed, Bakura gave another affirmative nod. "I need those required Puzzle Cards to get into the finals of the tournament. You're a famed counterfeit card maker…"

Shaking his head, Malik shifted his weight anxiously. "Kaiba coded those stupid things himself, there's no way I could replicate them. Bastard."

"That's nice. I suddenly find myself bored to tears talking to you, and it sounds like the old fart is going to wake me up because Ryou's a wuss. Smell you later." And with that, Bakura vanished.

Malik blinked. "'Smell you later'?" he recited, scrunching up his nose. "How old is this kid?" Then he vanished as well.

"Ryou!"

A twitch. A moan.

"Ryou!"

His eyes opened and he was looking at the homely face of Sugoroku.

"You were talking in your sleep," Sugoroku reported cheerily. Bakura duly noted how nothing got that old fart down, and how annoying it was to be drugged and tired and have some bouncy old guy ramble nonsense at him.

"Honda called after getting in contact with Jounouchi a while ago and – " Sugoroku stared in horror as Bakura sat up and yanked out his IV needle without so much as a cringe.

"Shut. Up." Bakura narrowed his eyes dangerously at the old man, silencing him. Then he decided that wasn't good enough and promptly backhanded him full force, knocking the poor man off of his feet and giving him quite a head collision with the floor. Bakura grabbed his pastel green overshirt and promptly left the room without a hint of remorse.

In Bakura's mind, there were three methods of obtaining these Puzzle Cards: the legitimate way, the wrong way, and_his_ way. Often times, the legitimate way was often confused and jumbled with _his_way, so there were really two methods of obtaining the cards. So, first things first, he might as well get the wrong way over with. It was usually the easiest, after all.

Consulting his wristwatch, Bakura discovered it was nearly 10 o'clock at night. Perfect. His first task was getting a Duel Disk, since he hadn't bothered to sign up for the tournament when it started. Hopefully in the process he'd pick up some Puzzle Cards. Now to find the victim…

Downtown Domino City. This late at night, it would be hard to find an easy target since it was past most of their bedtimes. Near the hospital was a small, square area with a fountain where there were late night cafés and a dance club, whose occupants were hopefully spilling outside for fresh air. And hopefully those fresh air-seeking occupants were scrawny and not lacking Duel Disks.

But wait. What was this? A boy, more specifically a boy with a Duel Disk, was waiting outside of a 24-hour drugstore, probably awaiting his mother's return from a quick errand. He must have been 10 or 11 years old…and whatever the case, he was smaller than Bakura and that was all that mattered.

"Hey," Bakura said in a failed attempt to be friendly. The boy stared at him more frightened than anything. "Want to duel me real fast? My deck isn't all that great, you can probably beat me in ten minutes or less." Bullcrap.

"Um, okay," the boy agreed uneasily. Bakura led him into a nearby alleyway to "duel" and came out with a Duel Disk and six Puzzle Cards. Aww, too bad.

So that was that. All phases of the wrong way were complete, and now it was time for Bakura's way/the legitimate way. Hmm…

_In a nearby cemetary..._

"Normal people go to clubs or watch movies on Saturday nights."

Bones shot a glare at his tall companion. "You hate dancing and you spend the rest of the week watching movies, so shut up. Maybe we can find a duelist here to steal cards from."

"Like that kid?"

"Yes. Perfect. Take your places, boys."

And in the back of his mind, Bakura knew that most normal people went to clubs or watched movies on Saturday nights. Lots of duelists to be found at the nearest dance club or movie theater. However, dueling someone using his own "methods" couldn't be done in large crowds…no, large crowds Shadow Realm mayhem and a lot of it. Bakura would get in trouble for it, surely.

"BLEEARGH!"

Bakura stopped dead in his tracks as a "zombie" wearing street clothes sauntered toward him. From behind, he heard another deranged snarl, and he knew he was surrounded on the narrow path. "Giiive uuus yooour caaaards!" a small, skull-faced…demon thing demanded spookily. Bakura rolled his eyes, grabbed the wrist of the hand trying to grab his neck from behind, spun himself and the "zombie" around, then pulled the arm into a breakable position. Now that he had a meat shield…

"I don't have time to play haunted graveyard with you hooligans," Bakura snapped venomously. These losers seemed dumb enough to steal cards from.

"Fine!" the short one with the scary face snapped. Upon closer observation, Bakura concluded that the pipsqueak wasn't wearing a mask. "Then we'll take your cards legitimately through a duel!"

Bakura scrunched up his nose in thought. Gee, that sounded familiar. "Sure," Bakura agreed placidly. The fools had no idea what they were getting into.

* * *

"Mai! What the hell's wrong with you!" cried Jounouchi. She had almost driven over the median…again.

"Shut up, Jounouchi! It's hard to drive with your stupid foot pushing on the side of my head!"

"Yeah, well, it's not my fault you didn't buy a minivan!"

The whole gang – minus Kaiba, who exited stage left in a conveniently delivered helicopter to fetch Mokuba and beat them to the Battle City finals area – was piled into Mai's four-seater sports car. Seven is greater than four. You do the math.

"Did someone just touch my butt?" Shizuka asked, alarmed.

"Otogi!" Jounouchi and Honda snapped in unison. "I'll kill you!"

Otogi, in the passenger seat next to Mai, looked in the back of the car, perplexed and indignant. "I didn't do it!"

"Honda!" Jounouchi roared, and began trying to engage the filthy molester in vengeful combat with three other people crammed like burrito contents in the back of the car. Mai suddenly slammed on the breaks.

"Don't make me come back there!" she scolded, quite infuriated. Shizuka, sitting uncomfortably between the side door and Anzu, grinned – no, smirked to herself in satisfaction. Yes, dear brother, beat up that Honda real well…

* * *

The purple haze of the Shadow Realm surrounded them.

"I know I've already said this, but this is really freakin' weird," Bones, the short and scary one, remarked warily. His comrades were behind him, equally if not more scared, sitting on the ground and holding each other.

Bakura, too, was on the ground. Rather, he was lying on his stomach with his head propped up by his elbows, a dull expression on his face. "It's been ten minutes. This isn't effing DBZ, just make your move."

"Okay, okay," Bones consented. "I'll lay one card face down."

"That's it? No monsters on the field, nothing but a card face down, and that's the end of your move?" Bakura got to his feet, eyes blazing with fury. "I'm. Bored," he growled through gritted teeth. Bones looked even more terrified than before as Bakura advanced, walking right through his own cards' holograms. "I was going to summon Dark Necropilia and steal your strongest monster from the Graveyard to defeat you, anyway. I've had it planned out from the start and you're too stupid to mess up my strategy."

Bones stared up at the taller boy with eyes as wide as dinner plates. "Wh – What are you doing?!"

Bakura lifted Bones by the collar of his shirt and yanked the Duel Disk off of his tiny wrist. "You won't need this where you're going." Then he turned and went to his side of the field again, and the holograms dissipated.

"Where am I g – " the ground under Bones and his two cronies disappeared, leaving a black void in its place. They began falling. "No!" Bones screamed. "Please don't banish us to the Shadow Realm!"

"The Shadow Realm?" Bakura repeated, looking down at them from a safe distance. "You're going straight to hel – "

" – lo Ryou Bakura!" The void suddenly closed, and the three unfortunate dueler's were left in limbo. Their heads were stuck in the sidewalk, while their bodies were elsewhere. Bakura glared at the man in a crisp business suit who ruined his concentration.

The man had a funny, plaid bowtie and held a microphone in his hand, and he seemed to be talking to a crowd – which, through the mist, Bakura faintly saw a large group of people sitting and watching intently. He suddenly felt very sick to his stomach.

"Ryou Bakura, congratulations? May I shake your hand? I'm going to shake your hand." The man did so before Bakura yanked the tainted appendage away furiously. "Ryou Bakura, you just won 20 Questions."

"I _what_?" Bakura hissed.

Yep, Bakura won. Well, I guess he won, I lost track some time ago and thought this would be a fine place to hold an award ceremony.

Bakura glared up at the disembodied voice.

Oh, am I being too loud? Sorry.

"First things first, Ryou, here are the keys to a brand new BMW convertible." The man handed them to Bakura, who took them, dumbfounded. "Here is a version of our home game, a round-trip to Italy, a crocheting kit, a hundred dollar gift certificate to the local spa, a mountain bike, and a partridge in a pear tree."

Bakura, holding more than he could carry and surrounded by his prizes, just stared. The man provoked the audience into loud cheering and clapping, and suddenly Bakura had an idea.

The portal to hell opened up again, Bones and his comrades fell the rest of the way, as did the man and the audience. The prizes fell, too, with Bakura hurrying to get out of harm's way with no time to spare for any of his prizes. Except the keys, which were in his pocket.

Not that he could afford gas money or anything.

"Eight Puzzle Cards," he murmured quietly. "I couldn't imagine dueling for these pieces of crap. Talk about tedious." Bakura rolled his eyes and put each card into his Duel Disk.

* * *

"It's dark. And it smells funny. Kind of like wood – wood reminds me of beavers," Yugi rambled. No one was listening.

"So," Otogi shifted his weight to one leg, grinning at Shizuka, "you come here often?" "Here" being a half-constructed stadium of the Kaiba Corporation, one that was suspiciously empty.

Shizuka looked shiftily from one side to the other, then let out a cry. "What are you doing to me, Otogi?!"

Jounouchi let out a lion's roar and tackled Otogi to the ground, and Honda followed in suit to add to the mayhem. Shizuka inched away from the scene and went to Mai's car, leaning against it and listening to Mai and Anzu chat. Stupid boys.


End file.
